The crab, a shore crab, the size of a 50p coin, scuttling sideways across the rock pool at low tide on the Pembrokeshire coast, is the object of intense scrutiny from a four-year-old who has been staring into this pool for twenty minutes and has not said a word. The crab disappears under a strand of bladderwrack. The four-year-old looks up. “He has gone home,” she says, and the expression on her face, wonder, satisfaction, the quiet certainty that she has witnessed something important, is the reason the family holiday in the UK, for all its weather-related disappointments and traffic-related frustrations, is worth doing. The crab does not care about the forecast. The crab does the crab’s business, and the child who watches it is learning something that cannot be taught in a classroom.

The UK Family Holiday: Where to Go, What to Do, How to Survive

Coastal Britain (Pembrokeshire, Pembrokeshire, and Pembrokeshire): The Pembrokeshire coast, the 186-mile coastal path, the beaches (Barafundle Bay, the sand, the dunes, the lack of road access, the 15-minute walk from the car park, the beach so beautiful it regularly wins awards despite the water temperature never exceeding 16°C; Whitesands, the surfing beach, the surf school, the Ty Haf, the lessons from £35, the children bobbing in the waves, the parents pretending not to be nervous), the wildlife (the puffins on Skomer Island, April to July, the boat from Martin’s Haven, the puffins parading within metres of the path, the camera, the children’s delight), is the UK’s best family coastline. The accommodation: the cottage (the Coast Path Holiday Cottages, the stone-built, the wood-burning stove, the garden, the week-long rental, the family base, the meals cooked in, the board games, the British holiday in its purest form). The price: £700-1,400 per week for a cottage sleeping six in high season (book 6-8 months ahead for July-August). The pub: The Sloop Inn at Porthgain (the fish and chips, the children’s menu, the view of the harbour, the parents drinking a well-deserved pint).

The UK Campsite (the affordable option, the outdoor childhood): The campsite, the tent (the family tent, the three “bedrooms,” the living area, the groundsheet that will, despite all precautions, let in the damp), the camping stove, the early-morning coffee brewed while the children sleep, the sound of the zip opening at 6am and the small face appearing, is the British family holiday for those who believe that children need to be outside. The best campsites: Nantcol Waterfalls (Snowdonia, the waterfalls, the river, the sheep, the stars, the Dark Sky Reserve, the Milky Way visible, the children lying on their backs in the field, the silence, the awe) for the wild experience. The Quiet Site (the Lake District, the pub, the play barn, the indoor space for wet days, the views of Ullswater) for the facilities. The Park Holidays UK sites (the coast, the swimming pool, the entertainment, the children’s club, the evening disco, the parents drinking at the bar while the children dance to “Baby Shark” for the fourth time) for the entertainment. The camping holiday costs approximately £300-600 for a week (the pitch, the equipment, the tent, the stove, amortised over multiple trips). The weather is the variable. The British camping holiday in the rain, the tent leaking, the children bored, the parents questioning every decision they have ever made, is the experience that makes the sunny days feel like a reward.

The UK Theme Park (the high-octane day): Legoland Windsor (the Lego, the rides, the Miniland, the miniature cities, the children pointing at the tiny buildings, the queue for the Dragon roller coaster, the gift shop at the exit, the strategy: accept you will buy the Lego, the price is built into the day, the negotiation is not worth the emotional energy). Alton Towers (the older children, the CBeebies Land for the younger ones, the roller coasters, the Nemesis, the Oblivion, the parents taking turns, the single-rider queue the secret weapon). Paultons Park (the Peppa Pig World, the childhood rite of passage, the boat ride, the Daddy Pig car, the photographs that will embarrass the child in ten years and are worth taking now). The cost: the theme park day for a family of four is approximately £150-250 (the tickets, the parking, the food, the gift shop). The strategy: book online (the advance discount), take a packed lunch (the food in the parks is expensive and, in most cases, mediocre), arrive at opening time (the first two hours are the quietest), accept the gift shop expenditure (the child will remember the toy; the parent will not remember the cost in six months, this is the rationalisation of a parent, and it is correct).