The nappy change, executed on a fold-down tray table at 35,000 feet, the turbulence moderate, the baby cooing, the nappy bag (the wipes, the nappy sacks, the spare onesie because the first one is, inevitably, soaked through, the muslin cloth, the dummy, the backup dummy, the backup dummy) balanced precariously on the closed toilet lid of an aircraft cubicle the size of a vertical coffin, is the moment you understand that travelling with a baby is not a holiday. It is a tactical operation. The difference between a successful operation and a disaster is preparation, lowered expectations, and the acceptance that you will wear some of the baby’s food at some point, and this is fine.

What Actually Works (Tested, Survived, Repeated)

1. Pack the baby bag like you are going to war. Because you are. The nappies: one for every hour of the journey, plus four. The formula, if using it, comes with a whole extra layer of logistics, the cartons of ready-made formula (the 200 ml cartons, the airport security, formula is exempt from the 100 ml liquid rule, but the staff may test it; allow 5-10 extra minutes at security), the sterile bottles, the flask of hot water (most airport cafés will fill it). Breastfeeding simplifies everything and comes with its own complexities (the privacy, the comfort, the timing). The change of clothes: for the baby, obviously (two changes, minimum, the blowout on take-off is a law of physics). For you. The baby will vomit on you. The baby will do this on the one day you wore a dark top and thought you were safe. You were not.

2. The baby carrier is worth ten prams. The pram, useful on flat ground and in airports, essential for naps in a restaurant, is a liability on cobblestones, on metro stairs, on buses, on narrow pavements, and in any situation involving a crowd. The baby carrier, the Ergo, the BabyBjörn, the sling, keeps the baby close, keeps your hands free, and navigates terrain that the pram cannot. The baby will sleep in the carrier. The baby will sleep through dinner, through the metro, through the flamenco performance (yes, this happened, the baby slept through flamenco; the duende did not disturb her). The carrier is the essential piece of travel equipment for any baby under 12 months.

3. The apartment, not the hotel. The hotel room, one space, the baby sleeping in the corner, you sitting in the dark at 8pm whispering, is the enemy of the evening. The apartment, the separate bedroom, the kitchen (the steriliser, the bottle warmer, the ability to make a cup of tea at 3am without leaving the room), the living area (where you can sit, talk, drink a glass of wine, and exist like normal human beings while the baby sleeps), is the essential accommodation strategy. Airbnb, Booking.com, and the local holiday rental agencies have transformed travelling with a baby. The washing machine, you will do laundry every day, this is not an exaggeration, is not a luxury. It is a survival tool.

4. The Mediterranean in May and September is your friend. The Mediterranean in July and August, the heat, the sun, the baby’s skin, the dehydration risk, is a challenge that experienced parents manage and that first-time parents should avoid. May and September: warm enough for the beach (the baby in the shade, the UV tent, the sun cream, the hat, the baby does not need to be on the beach; the baby needs to be comfortable), cool enough for the city (the walking, the café terraces, the bottle warmed by the sun). Italy, Spain, Portugal, Greece, Croatia, the infrastructure is excellent (the doctors, the pharmacies, the attitude to children, the Italian grandmother who will take the baby from you in the restaurant and walk her around the piazza while you eat, this is not a myth, this happened, the woman was named Maria and she was a saint).